Which brings me to the topic at hand: Please and Thank You. I’ve been thinking a lot about this, mostly because I’ve got a child on the way,and if you’ve been in my shoes, you know exactly what I’m thinking. No, not when is my wife going to go back to normal, I mean the other thing – what am I going to teach this child with what I say and do?

Then I thought about manners. If you’ve ever been taught manners (I was, but I might be a dying breed), then you were taught to say please when you asked for something, and thank you when you recieved it. And if you were taught those things, you remember how annoying it was to have your mother or father constantly reminding you to say these things over and over again. Because when you’re a kid, you figure, “Hey, I got what I wanted. I really don’t need to do anything else.”

Then I thought about how often I really use Please and Thank You.

Do I say Please to everyone? No, because I guess I don’t have to. What about Thank You? Its a bit more common, but not really expected in our culture.

Exactly.

Somewhere along the lines, Please and Thank You became arbitrary statements made to save face. They became a means to an end, and done only for the purpose of getting what you wanted so your mum would leave you alone. Its like going to a restuarant and knowing that you have to leave a tip, but not really wanting to because you feel like its an arbitrary fee rather than a guarantee of good service from the waitstaff.

Then I thought to myself, “Why bother teaching him Please and Thank You, he’s only going to forget about it and not use it in the long run.” I seriously wonder how many adults were taught these considerations, and how long did it take for us to lose our courtesy?

Then it hit me. The reason why you teach him that stuff is the hope that he will take to it and he will use it later on. Back to the waitstaff example, I do my best to say Please when ordering food. Its just a nice thing to do, and it seems to affect service in a positive way. I try to say Thank You to my clients when they give me a copay or say something kind about the work I do with them.

So what’s my point? My point is that sometimes courtesy is a lost art. It is something that we’re taught early on, but somehow gets lost in the programming. But how did it get lost? My guess is that the behavior was not reinforced properly. Think about it. When you were a child, people “made you” say Please and Thank You. There wasn’t any incentive for doing so, or punishment for not doing so. Now granted, you have to pick your battles, but rewards and punishments don’t have to be severe. In fact, just a compliment to the child on how well s/he did when saying Please and Thank You might be all s/he needs.

And bear in mind too, that this most recent generation of teenagers seem to feel very entitled. If you’re saying Please and Thank You, how can you feel entitled? See what I mean? You get either one or the other.

So what if we decided to be a lot more polite to each other? What if we tried to take some of that social conditioning and use it for a change? There were reasons why someone tried to teach us these ideals, and maybe if we look hard enough, we can find the values behind them. Maybe then we can treat each other better, and I can only assume that everyone wants that right?

What do you think? Do you still say Please and Thank You? Or is it something that fades away?

I work with a lot of people from all different walks of life. I see people who are successful, some who are not, and some who are just making ends meet.  One thing that I find in common no matter where my clients come from is this:

Many men suck at Valentine’s Day.

Don’t get me wrong. I’m right in there with the rest of you guys, I’ll admit it. But I have to ask myself this one question: How can you possibly blow it on Valentine’s Day? This is the one day each year (aside from your anniversary if you’re married) that you can really make some headway. This is the one day out of the year that you can go out there, put some thought into something and gain some free brownie points.

Now granted, I think Valentine’s Day is a bit skewed. After all, no one puts pressure on the ladies to perform (actually, that’s not true, with all the lingerie sales, etc.), but the guys really have the responsibility to go out and do something special; something nice to show your significant other that you care.

But what do women get a lot of times? Cheap chocolates from CVS or Walgreens. Flowers bought on the side of the road because you can’t call a decent florist at that short an amount of time and get the flowers delivered. Did you go out and buy the $30 special at Kay Jewelers this season because it was cheap and no more than an afterthought?

Please don’t misunderstand me here guys. I’m coming at you like this to prove a point. If these are the gifts you’re buying for your woman, than its time to get a value makeover. Bear in mind too, I’m not asking you to spend more money, merely do something incredibly thoughtful, or at least fake it really well. You can do this on a budget and still make her day. Curious? Keep reading.

OK, so what am I getting at here? The idea is that if you’re in bad with your woman (and those of you reading this know who you are) then taking a couple hours to plan and execute a thoughtful Valentine’s Day gift can really help you in the long run. Here are some of my suggestions:

1. Don’t just get her a card. Write something meaningful from your heart. Yeah, yeah, I know the only appropriate emotion to feel is anger (cause we’re men after all), but really think about how wonderful life is now that you are with your lady. Really dig in there and share from your heart.

2. Don’t just get her flowers. Or jewelry, or candy. Know what her favorites (i.e color, flower, or flavor) are and make the order in advance. Don’t just get the show special, show her that you understand her as a person, and give her something that shows it.

3.  Acts of service count too. Make her her favorite meal. Get a team together and clean the apartment and surprise her. Get a babysitter so she can have some time off. Watch the kids while she gets a manicure. These things go a long way. Remember the Pine Sol commercial where the ripped guy is mopping the floor? Chicks dig that. Just ask your lady.

4. Be creative. If you have any real talent like music, art or cooking, then show her that you really took some time and thoughtfulness in making her something that you know she will love. Remember, relating is what relationships are really all about. Hence the term, Relationship.

In other words, don’t blow it. Don’t take the easy way out with Valentine’s Day. You very rarely get an opportunity to hit an easy homerun with your significant other. Don’t blow it because you’re lazy, and don’t blow it because you’re cheap. You can be thoughtful and a freaking rock star all at the same time. It just involves some effort, time and understanding.

Again, don’t get me wrong. I’m not one for Hallmark Holidays, and this one is clearly that sort of thing. But I understand the psychology behind what Valentine’s Day means. Whether or not you agree with the marketing side of it, you have to admit that most women accept this as a man’s responsibility. So take advantage of this and rebuild some of the ground you may have lost. Do it right, and you can smooth over some of the bumps. If things are already good, then this can help take things to the next level.

What do you think? Pointless effort? Or worthwhile endeavor? Talk to me.

So I’m sitting with my wife watching a church service from our home, because we had planned on going to church that morning, but she really wasn’t feeling good, so we stayed in (she’s pregnant, she’s allowed). So I decided to go check out my old church, as they stream their church services every Sunday. During the message, the pastor makes a very strong statement, which is the focus of my post today.

The gist of it is this:

People don’t care about the truth anymore. They only care about what makes them feel good, and what they can get out of a situation.

This statement got me thinking, because I didn’t want to believe it was true. Surely there are some people out there who care enough about the truth, and will do so at the cost of feeling good and being selfish. Then I realized that the truth is relative for a lot of people. I mean, I’m a Christian, but if you don’t believe what the  Bible says is true, then you’re not going to agree with me about my version of the truth when it comes to religion. That’s OK, its a free country, you’re more than welcome to believe what you want.

But aside from religion, how can people come to terms with what the truth is? Some would say you come to this determination through science. Surely if you can prove something with science, then you can determine what the truth is that way, right? Then you lay out the global warming/climate change question, and you have people who have data that show both sides of the argument, and both could be considered to be true based on the information presented.

Then you can think about truth in a court of law, and how we are asked in court to “tell the whole truth and nothing but the truth.” How then, is truth determined? By facts and evidence, and upon the weighing of that evidence, the judge or jury comes to a determination about what the truth is, and how the court should proceed as a result of that determination. So it would follow, then, that we can determine what truth is based on facts.

But what if we don’t care about that stuff? What if we throw truth out the window because it doesn’t fit our worldview? Do we then disregard those facts because it feels better to keep our worldview? How then do we determine facts, if our perspective is so tainted that we will take false evidence into consideration?

Then there’s the generation of children in this day and age. You’ve seen them haven’t you? The ones that really don’t care much about the truth, and are more concerned with how their friends and their experiences make them feel, and what they can get out of life from others. I shouldn’t fault them too much, but at the same time, there is a line you have to draw at selfishness, so I usually confront teenagers on this as soon as I think they can handle it.

People have said “the Truth hurts,” and I think that’s because for the most part, the truth is difficult to swallow. The truth doesn’t feel good. Its not considerate of your feelings, and it doesn’t give you anything amazing as a result. I’m not sure that people even believe that “the truth will set you free” anymore, because in many respects, its better to be a slave to your own perspective than it is to be free with the difficult truth.

OK, OK, Jim. I get it. But how does that pertain to my life right now?

Since I can only throw my professional opinion at you, I’ll give you my perspective on the truth. First, determine your sphere of  relevance. Are these facts relevant to your life, and your sphere of influence? If not, then perhaps focusing on this area of truth is not necessary for you right now. So determine what truth is relevant to your life.

Second, do your best to seek out the most pertinent truth to your life. Since everyone’s life is different, the truth that is relevant to your life will be different. Do your absolute best to seek out the most truth for your life.

Lastly, do your absolute best to live your life according to the truth. No matter how hard it may be. Even if it makes you change your worldview, live according to the truth.

If I didn’t believe that what I was sharing with you was the truth, and didn’t follow it myself, I wouldn’t be typing it here. Why? Because I do my best to live by what I believe is the truth. I may screw up, but that doesn’t mean I’m going to let my screw ups determine who I am and my continued thirst for the truth in my own life.

So my questions to you, and if you comment, please answer these questions: Does Truth Matter? and If so, how do YOU determine what is truth?

Happy New Year! New Year’s Day is one of my favorite days of the year, because people all over the country and all over the world put the past behind them, and focus on moving forward toward positive change. We like to use this change in date to signify this decision, and it seems like a good place to start.

But let’s face it. How many times have you made a New Year’s Resolution, and then dropped the ball and let it slide. You’re still smoking. You’re still trying to lose that Holiday weight. You’re still trying to set better boundaries at work so you can spend more time with your family. Change can be scary, and sometimes its easier just to do what you’ve been doing all along, rather than try to come up with a plan to change AND actually use the plan to make the change.

Well, in a rare moment, I am going to go all crazy self-promotion today, in order to illustrate a point. As of today, I’m offering the New Year’s Resolution Revolution! This is my way of trying to help you set goals and achieve them through the power of the internet.

Now why the heck am I doing this? Because I’m sick and tired of seeing people set goals for their lives and not achieve them because they can’t stay on top of the resolution. So I’m setting something up to try to help you stay on task and not let those goals go to hell where all good intentions go.

In addition, I’m going to set my own New Year’s Resolution right now, so you know that I actually buy into my own baloney. Here are my resolutions as follows:

1. Every week I am going to finish at least 5 pages of my book, The WATER Method.

2. I am going to help at least one person achieve their New Year’s Resolution.

3. I am going to stick to my blogging schedule, and post every Monday and Thursday (like I did before).

So there you go. I will be updating the status of my New Year’s Resolutions weekly, so you know where I’m at, and you know that I mean what I say. If I don’t do it, call me out. I’m a big boy, I can handle it. 

Do you have a New Year’s Resolution? What is it? Do you need some help making it work? Click here to check out my New Year’s Resolution Revolution!

With Christmas behind us and the New Year upon us, we begin to think about how we can change our lives and make promises to ourselves and our loved ones about how this year will be better than the last. 

 It takes about 4 weeks to a month to break a habit, or to make lasting changes.  That is just long enough to start to get discouraged, and give up. But, what if  you made a plan? Then the goal has smaller easier goals, bite-sized, to help you work up to the final achievement? Doesn’t that sound a little easier? What if you had a helping hand to assist you on your way? Someone who can provide encouragement, and practical advice for the big obstacles and small discouragements that come along, especially when you are actively pursuing a change? It might just be helpful, and turn a pipe-dream into a reality in your life.

As a result, I am going to be offering something new and different to my readers. Starting in the New Year, I will have a subscription service available to help you with any New Year’s Resolutions that you want to make…and actually keep…this time around.

Bear in mind too, that I’ll be working on a resolution of my own: Completing The WATER Method Book. I’m actually going to apply my own methods to my own New Years Resolution, and post the results here.

Thing is, getting the job done is not going to get done overnight. Its going to take time. I think a lot of people lose sight of their goal as a result of the time it takes to make the changes. People don’t like to wait to lose the weight, or to quit smoking. The sad part about that, is that time is a necessary part of making the necessary adjustments to your life. It took you that long to get yourself into that habit or way of living. Its going to take a bit longer than a few weeks or even a few months to make the change.

The point here is, don’t give up. If you want to make change in your life, give yourself an appropriate time table to make that change. Otherwise you’ll find yourself getting frustrated and breaking another resolution.

P.S. – Or, you could work with me, and I’ll help you make the change more permanent in your life. Its one thing to keep yourself in check…its another thing to have someone help you through it. Its up to you. 

I’m going apply the WATER Method to my own life, so you have a better understanding of what I do to keep it together and still gro people every day.

Let me start by saying that last week was probably one of the hardest weeks I’ve ever had. I didn’t say worst, because as bad as it was, life is still pretty good., and I have a lot to be thankful for. However, I have obtained a newfound appreciation for parents, and all the hats they have to wear.

Be that as it may, I’ll share with you the issues that have been stressing me out, and what I did to manage them.

Let’s start with my list of stressors.

- Cleaning my house
- Working on my own business
- Taking care of my wife, as she’s pregnant
- Making sure I’m good to my animals
- Managing the Finances
- Dealing with my own personal issues
- Keeping cool to manage other people’s issues

OK, so now that I have my list, the next step is to separate them into what I can and can’t change.

What I CAN’T change:
- My wife’s feelings
- Whether or not clients show up for sessions
- Other people’s issues (until we work on them together)
- My wife’s pregnancy (we ARE keeping the baby)

What I CAN change:
- Cleaning my house (Actions, Results)
- My Feelings & Issues (Words, Thoughts & Emotions)
- How I conduct my business (Actions, Results, & Thoughts)
- Taking care of my animals (Actions)
- Taking care of my wife, and how much I do it (Actions & Results)
- Keeping the finances in line (Thoughts & Actions)

See that? So what I do form there is take the things I can’t change and resolve that I can’t change them. No matter how hard I try, stressing out about them isn’t going to change those things from being beyond my control.

So by accepting that I can’t change them, and resolving this, I let go of them, and choose not to think about them (remember processing vs. stuffing?). Then I take action on the things that I can change, and utilize my energy toward making those improvements.

As a result, I’m more on top of my finances, my housework, and my wife and I have come up with ways to keep working together despite her staying home to sit on the egg.

Does this help explain the WATER Method better? Talk to me people.

One of my clients told me a story about a person who annoyed her a lot. It seemed everything about this person was annoying: clothing, hair, what this person said and did….all of it seemed to frustrate my client to no end.

We thought about how to handle this person. After all, other people’s WATER is all stuff we can’t change, right?

Then, as it tends to happen, we came to a remarkable conclusion.

What makes this annoying person any different than anyone else?

Moreover, we thought about all the people in the world, and all the information in the world, and how we really don’t care about it, because we don’t know a lot of it; those people and that information is meaningless to us.

So how could we put the annoying person’s WATER into the realm of the Unknown? How could we make that person’s WATER meaningless?

It then seemed clear that all we had to do was make that choice in our minds, that the annoying person’s WATER was meaningless, and it removed all the power that person had from the client’s life.

Anywho, I figured I would share this story to help you with stuff that annoys you. Maybe you need to put some of that stuff from the Known into the Unknown meaningless sea of information that has no bearing on your life. Couldn’t hurt, right?

I was going to sit here and blog about death and how Halloween takes death and turns it into something we fear or something that we joke about. I was going to go off on a rant about how horror movies are bad mkay, and that we are trained by society to fear death.

Then I thought about it, and thought, that’s just no fun at all.

So I decided to share an equation that came to me in session one day. The simple equation below.

Let me explain this equation a bit further. See, I work with a lot of couples, and some of them have to work through issues of infidelity, lying and other acts of mistrust. As a result, many of them come into my office looking for a way to rebuild the trust that has been lost.

So this is what I offer them. You can not have Trust without Facts, and you can’t have Trust without seeing those facts for a period of Time.

Well, this is all well and good, but how can I apply this to my own life?

Well its not just as simple as that, is it? There are certain Facts that need to be understood in order for Trust to exist. What kind of Facts are we looking for? The kind that is necessary to ease the emotional distress of the other person. And not just any amount of Time will do, but we have to get specific about the amount of Time that must occur in order to regain this Trust.

Let’s make this simple, because I tend to make things more complicated than they actually are.

1. Decide that you want to rebuild the trust between you and the person who broke your trust. You have to decide whether or not you want to rebuild the Trust. This is where it has to start if you’re going to rebuild any trusting relationship.

2. Decide what you can trust this person with, and what you can’t. This separation has the WATER Method all over it. What you can and can’t change and what you can and can’t trust someone with are much in the same. The only difference is that with Trust, you can make a change in what you can’t trust someone with.

3. Give this person measurable goals with which they can rebuild your trust. Decide what you are willing to trade in return for your trust. Take in this process, and really think about what is worth trading for…what Facts and for how long do they need to exist before you feel comfortable trusting this person.

4. Decide to give back that trust. Make sure you make this decision, because if you don’t, you may find yourself wondering why this person is so bitter. I mean, you just made them jump through these flaming hoops, you have to make sure you keep up your end of the bargain.

So there you have it. Einstein had E=MC2, Newton had his laws of physics, Freud had his theories. Maybe this isn’t as amazing, but hey, its helped some people Maybe it will help you. 

As Bob Dylan used to say, “and the times they are a changin’!” The climate is changing (no matter what your perspective is on who’s fault it is), the economy is changing (or is stagnantly bad, depending on your perspective), and in many respects, we seem to need to constantly be in tune with how times change.

Let’s face it, if you want to get a job now, you have to work substantially harder now than you used to in order to get it. Raising children is different than it used to be and seems to get more difficult. Technology seems to change rapidly, and despite our economic state we seem to continue to be obsessed with what’s next with regard to technology.

You know what else has changed? The desire for therapists to stay in the Mental Health profession.

A lot of therapists are ditching their previous career in exchange for the lucrative profession of “Coaching”. And why wouldn’t they?! After all, being a coach means you join the likes of Tony Robbins, Larry Winget and other “success coaches”. You can charge what you want, say what you want, work with whoever you want. Your previous counseling niche can be your “coaching specialty” and you can work with people who are “less crazy.”

By the way, every time I use quotes, just picture me doing finger quotes. Its much funnier that way.

Who wouldn’t want this job? Especially as therapists, working with people who are considerably healthier than most counseling clientelle seems really sexy. Not having to worry about insurance companies, and jet-setting across the country and around the globe to speak with hundreds of people seems like a really great idea.

There’s just one problem with that.

Anyone can be a coach. Anyone.

Hell, I’m a coach. My name’s coach Jim, and welcome to my coaching website! You don’t need to be certified and if you have good life experience, you can pretty much work with people. Whereas therapists have to go through 7 years of school, 3 years of additional work before you’re licensed, and then continued maintenance of that licensure in order to keep it in check.

I’m not knocking the coaching profession at all, as I think there is real value in the coaching process. My big issue is with therapists converting to coaches because its “quicker, easier and more seductive.”

So what’s the big deal? How does this affect you? Well it certainly doesn’t help if you are looking to get treated for Anxiety or Adjustment Disorder, ADHD or Depression.  But those are those really bad mental illnesses aren’t they?

So what’s the point? The point is that I got into the counseling gig because I wanted to help people. If I got into the coaching profession, I’d still be interested in helping people, and would probably use much of the same, if not exactly the same methods I use when I work with people. How is that possible? Because instead of doing the “And how do you feel about that?” gig, or the “tell me about your mother” gig, I do the, “how the heck can I get you feeling better and living better as soon as possible” sort of gig, and I do that now, with my counseling clients.

In case you didn’t know, this is a coaching approach, and not a counseling approach. 

This isn’t just about me. This is about you. Would you feel more comfortable going to a therapist/counselor? Or is it more hip and cool to go to a “success coach” or a “stress management coach”?  I think its important to understand this, because if the times truly are changing, and people are feeling less comfortable admitting that they need a “counseling”, then perhaps a change of a different kind is in order.

What do you think? I’m going to put in a poll for this too, because I think its important to have a conversation about stigmas, the process of therapy vs. coaching, and what that means to you. Talk to me people.

Recently Jonathan Fields did a blog post entitled: Does Learning Have To Suck? In case you haven’t read it, do yourself a favor and go check it out. I wanted to comment on it, but after some consideration, realized I had more to say about it than I thought. So, you get what you have here.

Now I really dig Jonathan’s style. I think he’s smart and articulate and has a pretty good grasp on most things involved with business. However, he recently wrote a post about  extrinsic motivation, and this really perked my interest. Seeing as I’m a behavior modification guy, especially with regard to children, I decided to take it upon myself to do a post about Intrinsic and Extrinsic Motivation.

If you don’t feel like reading his blog (a mistake to be sure), then I’ll sum up the story. Basically he offered his daughter an iPod if she was able to accomplish her homework goals. Through various trial and error, he was able to get her to do the homework she needed to do.

The conversation in Does Learning Have To Suck? then spilled over into whether or not learning has to be extrinsically motivated. The discussion went back and forth between those who thought that learning should be about things that motivate the child intrinsically (and not all this other stuff they’re taught in school) and that there is an importance to learning things in school, even if they’re boring.

I have worked on countless behavioral plans with my clients and their parents, many of which are frustrated with a child’s lack of desire to do the work effectively. Some would say this has something to do with the curriculum at the school itself, but I disagree. Here is my take on what the heck is up with some kids, and why they bore of information so quickly.

1. Television(and video games, and friends, and the internet) is way more fun. It could be that children are exposed to hours upon hours of television from the age of 2 onward. Compared to the bright lights and fast moving, cartoon weilding, technicolor circus, is it any wonder why school is so boring?

2. Curiosity and Playfulness are stifled due to being forced to be quiet in class. Children start learning in First grade that they have to be quiet and sit still in class. Order and routine are necessary for teachers to be able to handle such large amounts of students. The Montessori Method is different in this, as it teaches learning through all five senses, and encourages curiosity and a desire to learn through experience. This is why atheletes are motivated to excel, because they have an intrinsic desire to learn more.

3. Some parents just don’t want to fight with their kids over homework. Since the age of the elimination of corporal punishment, some children have learned that if they push the right buttons, they can get a parent to crack, and as a result, the parent gets held hostage. Some parents even avoid the homework situation entirely for fear of another blowout between them and their kids. This is when I encourage Extrinsic Motivation for children, simply because it allows the parents to use a motivator to get the child to do what they want. After all, that’s real world stuff, right?

Go ahead, tell me you’re bribing your kid, and then tell me you’re going to your job every day for free.

Ah, but it can be bigger than that, can’t it? What if the parent were to use an Intrinsic Motivator as an Extrinsic Motivator? Here’s what I mean:

I have a client who loves to skateboard. He always wants to learn new tricks, and is way more interested in learning this than his homework (duh, speeding down a halfpipe at 30-50mph and then breaking gravity? who wouldn’t want to do that?). The parent was frustrated and brought the kid to me. Turns out, the parent had the tools all along. All s/he had to do was offer time at the skate park as a motivator to do the work, and suddenly the work started to get done. The kid does his homework, and learns new tricks. Everyone’s happy.

Additionally, I worked with the kid and used skateboarding to illustrate cool science concepts, like gravity and velocity. We then talked about Geometry and Physics, and how a half pipe is really kind of a circle cut in half. Every time he goes up and comes back down (Newton’s Law in action), his speed allows him to break free from gravity, if only for a short time.

He then told me I was really smart. Little does he know…

Fact is, Extrinsic Motivation is kind of a cultural norm. Sure, it’d be nice if we could all just get along and do things for the fun of it. But there are a lot of boring jobs out there that pay well. Heck, I had to make that decision myself (Rock Star – because you know they hand out diplomas for those…or Shrink, which doesn’t pay as well as TV says we do…I’m still waiting for my awesome fountain).

Most jobs are in one of two categories: Ones you love (and pay poorly) and ones you hate (and pay well). Sometimes you get the short end of the stick on all fronts, but you get the idea. Anyone who sets out on a career does so for one of those two reasons, and hopefully you are able to find balance in there somewhere.

My point is, learning is part of growing up. Part of growing up is also figuring out what you want to do with your life. That changes as you grow, but I think its healthy for kids to understand how the world works, and also have dreams and goals to shoot for as well. Besides, even if you learn about “how the world works” doesn’t mean that it has to work for you the same way. You can always beat the odds, and do something different (like loving your job and getting paid well to do it).

Everyone is different. The way one person learns and gets through school might be completely different than another. I’m horrible at test taking, but breezed my way through college and grad school through writing papers. Some things we will learn because we have to, and some because we want to. If that means it sucks along the way, but we end up getting something for our efforts, I’m kinda OK with that.

What do you think? Can a kid have it both ways? To learn, love it and want to learn more? Gimme what you got!