I work with a lot of people from all different walks of life. I see people who are successful, some who are not, and some who are just making ends meet.  One thing that I find in common no matter where my clients come from is this:

Many men suck at Valentine’s Day.

Don’t get me wrong. I’m right in there with the rest of you guys, I’ll admit it. But I have to ask myself this one question: How can you possibly blow it on Valentine’s Day? This is the one day each year (aside from your anniversary if you’re married) that you can really make some headway. This is the one day out of the year that you can go out there, put some thought into something and gain some free brownie points.

Now granted, I think Valentine’s Day is a bit skewed. After all, no one puts pressure on the ladies to perform (actually, that’s not true, with all the lingerie sales, etc.), but the guys really have the responsibility to go out and do something special; something nice to show your significant other that you care.

But what do women get a lot of times? Cheap chocolates from CVS or Walgreens. Flowers bought on the side of the road because you can’t call a decent florist at that short an amount of time and get the flowers delivered. Did you go out and buy the $30 special at Kay Jewelers this season because it was cheap and no more than an afterthought?

Please don’t misunderstand me here guys. I’m coming at you like this to prove a point. If these are the gifts you’re buying for your woman, than its time to get a value makeover. Bear in mind too, I’m not asking you to spend more money, merely do something incredibly thoughtful, or at least fake it really well. You can do this on a budget and still make her day. Curious? Keep reading.

OK, so what am I getting at here? The idea is that if you’re in bad with your woman (and those of you reading this know who you are) then taking a couple hours to plan and execute a thoughtful Valentine’s Day gift can really help you in the long run. Here are some of my suggestions:

1. Don’t just get her a card. Write something meaningful from your heart. Yeah, yeah, I know the only appropriate emotion to feel is anger (cause we’re men after all), but really think about how wonderful life is now that you are with your lady. Really dig in there and share from your heart.

2. Don’t just get her flowers. Or jewelry, or candy. Know what her favorites (i.e color, flower, or flavor) are and make the order in advance. Don’t just get the show special, show her that you understand her as a person, and give her something that shows it.

3.  Acts of service count too. Make her her favorite meal. Get a team together and clean the apartment and surprise her. Get a babysitter so she can have some time off. Watch the kids while she gets a manicure. These things go a long way. Remember the Pine Sol commercial where the ripped guy is mopping the floor? Chicks dig that. Just ask your lady.

4. Be creative. If you have any real talent like music, art or cooking, then show her that you really took some time and thoughtfulness in making her something that you know she will love. Remember, relating is what relationships are really all about. Hence the term, Relationship.

In other words, don’t blow it. Don’t take the easy way out with Valentine’s Day. You very rarely get an opportunity to hit an easy homerun with your significant other. Don’t blow it because you’re lazy, and don’t blow it because you’re cheap. You can be thoughtful and a freaking rock star all at the same time. It just involves some effort, time and understanding.

Again, don’t get me wrong. I’m not one for Hallmark Holidays, and this one is clearly that sort of thing. But I understand the psychology behind what Valentine’s Day means. Whether or not you agree with the marketing side of it, you have to admit that most women accept this as a man’s responsibility. So take advantage of this and rebuild some of the ground you may have lost. Do it right, and you can smooth over some of the bumps. If things are already good, then this can help take things to the next level.

What do you think? Pointless effort? Or worthwhile endeavor? Talk to me.

I’ve often said that if a woman can multi-task, she’s normal, but if a guy can multi-task, he’s got ADHD. I am about to introduce you to a very strange and magical place that men frequent often, but women may be unaware of. I’ve run into a lot of clients and friends who go to this magical place, and one of my clients finally put a name to it, which I thought was pretty clever.

Its called the Nothing Box.

Now what is the Nothing Box? Its a place where men go when there is absolutely nothing going on inside their head. Jerry Seinfeld once said, “Wanna know what men are thinking about? Nothing. We’re just walkin’ around….lookin’ around.” This happens more often than we men would like to think, or even admit. At times, the Nothing Box serves as a valuable tool to focus on the task at hand.

Now how do I know that this Nothing Box even exists? Well for starters, I go there often. One of the more common places I go to my Nothing Box is when I’m driving. All I’m doing is focusing on driving, and that’s basically it. When my wife is with me, sometimes she’ll ask me, “What are you thinking about?” To that I respond, “Nothing.” I wish I were kidding, but that really is the case.

I’ve worked with clients that will go to their Nothing Box as long as they are focusing on a task that requires concentration. These same men will ignore their wives for sex, insensitive to their wives, and have ignored small innuendo during conversation because too many people are talking.

So how do you avoid the Nothing Box? Here are a few tips:

1. Be aware of the outside world. Don’t be so drawn into what you’re doing that the rest of the world doesn’t shake you from your concentration.

2. There’s a time and a place for your Nothing Box. Don’t go there all the time, just certain times when you don’t have to be conscious of others needs or Emotions.

3. Increase your capacity for awareness. Sometimes you don’t recognize that you’re in your Nothing Box until you’re already there. Use your Thoughts to consider when and where you are most likely to go to your Nothing Box, and decide whether or not you want to go there.

For you ladies, there’s some stuff here too:

1. Realize that your man may vey well have a penchant for the Nothing Box. Cut him some slack if he’s decided to be there. Its not because he’s not thinking about what’s important, it may just be that he’s a guy and can focus on only one thing at a time.

2. Educate your man about his Nothing Box. He may not even know he’s going there. Kindly letting him in to what he’s doing could help you understand each other better.

3. Give your man some time to be in the Nothing Box. He’s got to be there sometime, so give him a chance to be there. Talk about when might be a good time for him to go there, so that it doesn’t get in the way of stuff you need to do.

So let me ask you this: Have you ever gone to your Nothing Box? Ladies, do you have a story about your man and his Nothing Box? I’d love to hear it!

P.S. – This isn’t a new concept. Cindy Holman talked about it here, as well as Robb Lewis, and Carolyn McCulley. Check out their stuff on this topic and enhance the discussion.

One of the more common themes I’ve been dealing with in session with my couples is the concept of love, and how some people are “losing the loving feeling.” And I’ve come here to say one thing:

Love has nothing to do with feelings.

Yeah, I know, I know. This flies right in the face of all the great romantic comedies you’ve watched. It goes against everything you’ve been told by your favorite TV shows and romance novels you’ve read. Hell, it even goes against good ol’ Tony Robbins methodology doesn’t it (hence why he got divorced, because he couldn’t “be happy” in it). After all, aren’t you supposed to feel love and happiness all the time with the person you love?

No, you’re not.

Let me break it down to you this way. Think about all the reasons you got into a relationship. Think about all the feelings you felt and what that meant to you.

Did any of that stuff have anything to do with the other person?

Think about this for a second. The great feelings you feel are feelings YOU feel. This has to do with you. You get involved with someone because of how they make YOU feel and how they compliment YOUR life. The fact that all this works for the other person is really great too, isn’t it.

But in essence, it has to do with you and how you feel.

This, is in essence a form of relationship narcissism. The relationship isn’t something that you commit to for better or worse, its something that is an accessory to your life. Its there to make you feel happy or loved. If things feel bad, or there’s a problem that people aren’t willing to work on, then its time to move on, isn’t it? After all, if you’ve lost the loving feeling, then there must clearly be something wrong with the relationship.

Or maybe, just maybe, you’ve come back down to Earth and realized that you have to live in reality.

And reality is no fun. Nowhere near as fun as the endorphin filled, infatuation-fest that you went on when you first got involved with that person.

OK, I’m ranting. I know I’m ranting. But I do have a point in all this.

Sometimes relationships are not going to be fun. Sometimes they’re going to be hard, and sometimes they’re downright ugly. If you don’t make a choice to love someone despite how they make you feel, then what is going to keep you together?

That’s my point. You wanna know why the divorce rate is at 50% and climbing? You want to know why kids are still affected by divorce, even though its considered “normal” these days?

Its because no matter how normal it is, it still affects them…and negatively.

Its because people are weak (abuse, abandonment and adultery aside; leaving in these circumstances does not make you weak), and they don’t want to work out their crap. Its much easier to go find some other person and feel all those great feelings all over again. Its much easier to ignore the problem and keep making the same mistakes you always make in relationships.

Don’t get me wrong. It takes two people to make a relationship work. Each person has to decide that they’re going to make it work no matter what. I’ve seen people make that choice, and as a result, the relationship improves and gets stronger than ever before. I’ve also seen people bail because they’re weak and they don’t want to work through the issues.

Those people are likely still chasing that loving feeling.

Maybe I’m being a little harsh, but you know what? That doesn’t change the fact that its true. If you don’t like how that makes you feel, that’s fine, its your life. Go ahead and ignore the problem like you have before.

Or fix it. Either way, life is too short and too long to pretend that love is only a feeling. If that’s what you believe, good luck chasing the feeling. You’ll be chasing it a long time.

My recommendation: Think long and hard about your life and your children’s lives 5-10 years down the road from now. Do you honestly think you will be happy? Do think they will be in the long run?

If you think it can work, at least try. You can always leave if you wuss out.

OK, I’ll stop now and let you talk.

If you can’t control your crap, then you shouldn’t be in a relationship. In my opinion, there’s no excuse for cheating.  Plain and simple.  This isn’t the first time I’ve said this. My previous post: Life is Short, Have an Affair?, I go off on a tangent about a site that allows you to do this easier.

I won’t even waste the muscle usage in my fingers to type the name of the website.

Anyway, every now and then I work with a couple that decides to work through the cheating. Now I’ll admit, its not easy work, and usually involves a decent amount of time to help them get through it. However, the dedicated couple can get through the breakdown of trust that occurs when one of them cheats.

What I see more often than not, is that the “cheatee” (the person that was cheated on) is looking for a reason why from the “cheater (do I have to explain this?)”

Problem is, as I explained earlier, there’s no excuse for cheating. However, there is a difference between Explaining and Excusing.

Explaining a problem makes reason. Excusing a problem gives reason.

See the difference? Explaining a problem helps us understand the process by which something like this happened. Excusing involves the “cheater” to be on the defensive, and causes the “cheatee” to be on the offensive.

It allows the cheatee ammunition.

And they should have it after all. The cheater has a big target on his/her back for being so stupid to begin with. However, the reason why I bring this up, is because finding an excuse is NOT going to help things.

If you want to know “why” to work through and improve the relationship, that’s one thing. If you’re just looking for more ammunition, why don’t you use what you have already? Its not like they didn’t give you a stockpile when you found the emails, text messages, pictures, reservations or any other incriminating evidence.

Same goes for the cheater. Seriously, do you honestly think excuses are going to help the situation? Doing some strong soul searching and understanding the reasons for your behavior, and discussing it in as non-accusing or assuming a way as possible is probably the best way to go (if you’re looking to fix the relationship that is).

What’s the point of this post?

The point is that if you are going to couples counseling for a cheating incident, and you want to make it work:

Cheatee

1.  Seek the explaination so you can move forward with your partner. If you want someone to take your side while you verbally beat the heck out of them, find a friend.

2. Use your therapist to help the two of you understand what happened so you can fix the problem. Are there angry feelings? Sure there are. But yelling at each other in session isn’t going to change the situation.

3. Go to individual therapy to manage these feelings. This way you can process the broken trust, develop coping skills for the anger and sadness, and then come to the couples session more focused.

Cheater

1. Go to individual counseling and figure out why you did what you did. Its time to learn more about you and what happened here. It also means you have to learn about boundaries you need to set with yourself and others.

2. Once you figure that out, give an Explaination, not an Excuse. No sense defending what you did. For whatever reason, it was wrong. Resolve that, and explain it to yourself and to your partner.

3. Apologize, and keep doing it. Its not going to resolve all at once. It will take time, and you’re going to have to eat a heaping helping of humble pie.

Please understand, this is not to patronize or minimize cheating. Remember the beginning of the post: There’s no excuse for cheating. But I encourage the seeking of knowledge over the seeking of ammunition any day of the week and twice on Sunday.

Its not going to be easy. It will be the hardest work you will probably be the hardest work you ever do. But if you have something worth saving, and are willing to save it, your relationship will be able to withstand anything.

How do I know? I’ve seen it.

Am I naive? Tell me what you think.

Now on the one hand, I ask this question: What’s new here? People have been using social networking sites to have affairs since they’ve been in existence, so how is this any different, other than its bold statements and “Affair Guarantee.” If Match.com and eHarmony.com can make money getting people together, why can’t this site make money breaking relationships apart?

On the other hand, just because people have been having affairs, doesn’t mean you should encourage or help them along in doing so. Their slogan “Life is short. Have an affair.” is an imperative statement (meaning giving you an order, like “Listen!”). Its one thing if a site is up, and its there for anyone to access and connect with people at their discretion. For example, you can’t blame Facebook or Myspace for being the cause of people having affairs, because it is the person making the decision to do so. This site, on the other hand, encourages an affair, and guarantees you one for the low, low cost of $249.

So this raises another question: If you tell someone to have an affair, and they do, is it your fault that they have an affair, or are human beings responsible for their own actions? Its like asking the question: Do guns kill people, or do people kill people?

The bottom line here is morals and values. What are your core beliefs about love? About relationships? About marriage? About sex? Do you believe your relationship will work, or is it bound to fail like all the others?

I am a firm believer that life is what you make it to be, including relationships and yes, sex. If you’re truly unhappy with your relationship, then start talking to your significant other about it. If you want to slap that person in the face for your own selfish reasons, be my guest, but you probably won’t learn from your relationship experience, and it may be that you’ll end up getting in and out of relationships for the rest of your life. Your call.

www.NewHopeCounselingOnline.com