So now that I have my laptop back in my possession, I can finally get back to doing this regularly, as well as working on the WATER Method book. Since I last posted a number of things have happened that caught my attention, and I’ll be sharing them with you over the course of the next few posts.

For starters, I found out that my new child is going to be a bouncing baby boy. Cool, right? Everone was like, “you must be so excited!” Or they would start talking to me about how wonderful having children is going to be. You know what my response was? I was not very excited at all. In fact, my response was so lackluster, that my wife was very concerned, and wanted to make sure I was OK.

Probably not the best indicator that I was showing the proper level of enthusiasm, huh?

So we sat down and had a talk. She wanted to know what the heck was up with me, and why I was a bit detatched from the situation. Turns out I had two concerns: 1.) That child rearing is going to be a lot of work (and it is; whoever told you differently is likely your mum or dad, because they want grandkids anyway), and 2.) I was concerned about the financial strain that children inevitably put on the household (diapers alone will cost you an additional $200/month).

Now, being a therapist and having a penchant for knowing a lot about other people, it seems I missed the boat when it came to myself and my worries here. My wife, in her infinite wisdom shared with me something very solid. I won’t get into the whole conversation here, but the gist of it went something like this.

“You don’t know that its going to be difficult and hard. We have no idea whether or not our child is going to be difficult or easy. We just don’t know.”

So here I stand before you defying my own method of managing anxiety once again. However, I do so to prove a valuable point.

Just because we can’t see or even control the unknown, doesn’t mean we don’t want to.

The insanity of it all, is that we know that the unknown is out there. We know that we can’t control it. We know that even if we try our absolute best to control every aspect of it, it can still turn around and go in the opposite directon of what we really intended. So why do we try to hard to grab this concept? What drives us to get to this place where try to plan for what we can’t see?

In my humble opinion, such as it is, is that we do this because the alternative is not very appetizing. The alternative is doing nothing, and waiting for fate to figure out how its going to handle our lives. Planning for what we can’t see is like taking enough provisions for a camping trip (in case a bear shows up and eats your food), or making sure your sail boat is in tip top shape in case you weather a storm. We do this because we have the unique ability to live vicariously through others, see their mistakes, and learn from them. We do our best to ensure that life doesn’t turn out poorly, and if we can put in some failsafes to try to improve the odds in our favor, then so be it.

So what’s my point here? My point is that even though you can’t control the unknown, you can control what you do about the unknown.  The unknown might scare you to death (like this child rearing thing does for me to a greater or lesser degree), but recognizing that the unknown is something we can’t control right now, and letting the unknown go can be valuable. The unknown doesn’t go away, but the power we give it over our emotions can at least be decreased a little bit.

By the way, turns out I am excited about my baby, but I’m not expressing it appropriately. Not sure they’ve written a book on how you’re supposed to express this, but that just goes to show you that there are parts of my socially inept adolescence still hanging around in my personality. Who knew. 

Before you go getting on my case, I’m not criticizing the President. Hell, I’m not even mad at him for getting the Nobel Prize on Friday. I’m more upset at the fact that the Nobel Committee decided to give him the Prize based on presumed accomplishment, whereas so many others worked hard and could show their accomplishments before receiving their Nobel Prize. Don’t believe me? Go here and take a look at the other winners. Each of them obtained a prize for an accomplishment they did over the course of their lifetime.

This is totally stuff I can’t control, but I can at least share my feelings about it and the possible impact for children. Yes, that’s right, this is more about what we tell kids. I’m sure teachers after the Columbus Day break will be teaching kids about the Nobel Prize and what have you. Maybe they won’t, but with such a newsworthy piece, I’d be surprised if children didn’t learn about it.

And then disaster hits. You ask a child to do something first before they get the prize and you get the response, “Well, the President didn’t have to do anything, and he got the Nobel Prize.” At that point you can tell them they aren’t the President, but if they work hard, maybe they can become one someday.

I guess the problem here is again, something that is beyond our control. So it begs me to ask a question: What is a prize worth, and under what criterion does someone receive it?

My whole theraputic modality is around behavior modification with children, and encouraging parents to provide an incentive for good behavior. When stuff like this comes up, smart alec kids throw it in their parents’ face, defying parents’ interpretation of the “real world,”  because in that same world people get prizes even though they may not necessarily deserve it (and the President himself admitted this in his press conference, which I think is admirable).

However, this opens up another topic: Fairness. Now I’ve already gone on a tangent about this, but I think this is the reason why so many people are upset or amused about the President getting the award is because they think its not fair. Well, as my father still says…

“I’ve got a flash for you. Life isn’t fair.”

Is it fair that he got the prize for what they percieve he is going to do? No. Could he turn around and do the exact opposite of their perceptions? Yup. What are they gonna do? Take the prize back? Not likely. Is any of that fair? Nope.

But life isn’t fair, and the sooner I realized that, the less upset I got about it. I mean, how many things happen every day of our lives that really aren’t fair at all. We hear news stories and read the papers or listen to our radios, and we absorb all this information about the world we live in. Wealthy people get wealthier. Irresponsible banks get bailed out. People ignore their financial and family responsibilities. It happens all the time.

So I had to ask myself, what the heck am I whining about? Because life isn’t fair, and I need to get over it. And its OK that life isn’t fair, because as a self-proclaimed underdog, I should expect that some others have an unfair advantage. All the better when I beat the odds and accomplish something.

So I guess my message here is simple: Just accept it. Accept the fact that life isn’t fair, and that a guy who is already a millionaire got $1.4 Million for projected accomplishments. Get over it. It happens all the time, we just don’t see it because the news doesn’t report on that stuff.

Don’t let something like this get you down, and sure as heck don’t let it get you mad. I wasted a couple hours of my life getting upset over this, and that’s time I can’t get back. So this comes back to the WATER Method and separate the problems into what you can and can’t change.

Unfairness will always be there. Put in the pile of stuff you can’t change and get stuff you can change done!

P.S. – When the heck is Ross Geller going to get his Nobel Prize? The guy was whining about it Season 9, and he still didn’t get one.

The Microsoft campaign was designed to show real people (like you, hopefully) that choose to use a PC over a Mac. In the process of those ads, they ran into a little girl named Kylie, who said she was 4 years old, and was able to use a PC.

The Old Face of Microsoft vs. the New Face of Microsoft

Suddenly, without knowing it, the marketing monkeys at Microsoft realized that they struck gold with this kid. Soon therafter, we started seeing more and more commercials of Kylie doing what she does best: doing cute stuff with Windows and being adorable.

Recently, they put out an ad with her making a slide show telling about all the great reviews Windows 7 has been getting. The video is posted below. 
[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U6adgIJE8YQ&color1=0xb1b1b1&color2=0xcfcfcf&hl=en&feature=player_embedded&fs=1]
This ad is pure genius, and I’m not saying that because I’m a PC. I’m saying it because it touches on a large audience of people and uses some great psychology to do it. Let me count the ways.

First, you have a little girl, who bubbles with personality and seems to be able to use a PC running Windows Vista. Whether or not she is actually making these slideshows is up for speculation, but the commercial basically tells you “hey, if this 4 year old can use it, so can you.” If you buy into that, then its a lot more appealing to you. Oh, and she’s a cute kid, which is a win for middle to upper class consumers, married couples and females.

Second, the slide show shows cute fuzzy animals wearing hats and other stuff. More cuteness. More awesome. Who puts cute fuzzy animals in their slideshows? The fact that she did (and she’s 4 remember), and did it with cute animals is just cool, because nobody does that (at least not in my circle of friends, anyway).

Third, is that the theme music to the A-Team I hear in the background? This is a clear appeal to anyone over the age of 30, specifically the 30-40 year old demographic. Young professionals will recognize the music, and remember a time when Mr. T was calling people “sucka” and had to be drugged with sleeping powder in order to fly on an airplane.

Fourth, the slideshow shows what the commercial was really getting at: reviews of Windows 7 by reputable sources that say its good. Cute as Kylie is, you won’t believe Windows 7 is good if she tells you its good. You might believe it if someone reputable said it. Additionally, the information is presented in cutesy animal format. If they just had an ad that was like a car commercial, we’d change the channel (Male voice: Consumer computing says, “Its fully awesome!”).

Finally, it removes the stigma that only total losers and geeks are PC users. Kylie’s a PC, so its suddenly OK to be one too. And how is Apple supposed to respond to this? How do you make fun of a little girl and not look like a big meanie?

Now what does all this have to do with psychology? Everything! All of the imagery, music and words spoken are designed to envoke a feeling within the consumer. From now on, I don’t associate the A-Team theme with the TV show, I associate the music with Kylie’s slideshow. This is a clever way to create an association between the music and the ad.

So what does this all mean, and why the heck am I talking about it? After all, I’m a guy trying to help people, and reviewing a Microsoft ad probably isn’t the way to win any popularity contests.

My point is, presentation has just as much to do as the message itself. This plays true for virtually any area of your life that is beyond your control (the Outside World). Microsoft can’t control how many people will buy Windows 7. They can control their presentation of it, and what it means to the consumer who buys it. They could have just told you the message, but they had to get your attention so you would listen to the message. It doesn’t matter how great your message is, if it falls on deaf ears, then the message fails.

Same goes for you. You may be looking for employment, but if your presentation sends a different message then you may have a problem getting a job. If you are looking for a relationship, but present that you’re weird and unapproachable, you’re sending a mixed message. If you want to be seen as professional in your blog or online business, and your website looks like it was made in the early 1990′s (you know what I’m talking about: Arial font, animated gifs, and bad layout), then people may not take you seriously. Are your kids acting out because you say one thing and then do another, thereby sending them mixed messages?

This goes back to openness and awareness. While you can’t change others’ WATER, you can be aware of it. This awareness can allow us to change what we do to connect with others in a dynamic way.

So consider the message that you’re trying to send to everyone around you. Are you being as effective at presenting your message as Microsoft is in presenting theirs? Or are people getting confused because you’re not being clear? Does your presentation match up to what you’re trying to say?  If so, share your story. If not, how’s that working out for you?

By the way, we haven’t seen the last of Kylie. Not by a long shot. Until she stops being cute, or people stop listening, she’ll probably be making more stuff with Windows 7 soon. Pay attention when she does, because there is a team of monkeys working on how to make the message and presentation another home run.

Recently Jonathan Fields did a blog post entitled: Does Learning Have To Suck? In case you haven’t read it, do yourself a favor and go check it out. I wanted to comment on it, but after some consideration, realized I had more to say about it than I thought. So, you get what you have here.

Now I really dig Jonathan’s style. I think he’s smart and articulate and has a pretty good grasp on most things involved with business. However, he recently wrote a post about  extrinsic motivation, and this really perked my interest. Seeing as I’m a behavior modification guy, especially with regard to children, I decided to take it upon myself to do a post about Intrinsic and Extrinsic Motivation.

If you don’t feel like reading his blog (a mistake to be sure), then I’ll sum up the story. Basically he offered his daughter an iPod if she was able to accomplish her homework goals. Through various trial and error, he was able to get her to do the homework she needed to do.

The conversation in Does Learning Have To Suck? then spilled over into whether or not learning has to be extrinsically motivated. The discussion went back and forth between those who thought that learning should be about things that motivate the child intrinsically (and not all this other stuff they’re taught in school) and that there is an importance to learning things in school, even if they’re boring.

I have worked on countless behavioral plans with my clients and their parents, many of which are frustrated with a child’s lack of desire to do the work effectively. Some would say this has something to do with the curriculum at the school itself, but I disagree. Here is my take on what the heck is up with some kids, and why they bore of information so quickly.

1. Television(and video games, and friends, and the internet) is way more fun. It could be that children are exposed to hours upon hours of television from the age of 2 onward. Compared to the bright lights and fast moving, cartoon weilding, technicolor circus, is it any wonder why school is so boring?

2. Curiosity and Playfulness are stifled due to being forced to be quiet in class. Children start learning in First grade that they have to be quiet and sit still in class. Order and routine are necessary for teachers to be able to handle such large amounts of students. The Montessori Method is different in this, as it teaches learning through all five senses, and encourages curiosity and a desire to learn through experience. This is why atheletes are motivated to excel, because they have an intrinsic desire to learn more.

3. Some parents just don’t want to fight with their kids over homework. Since the age of the elimination of corporal punishment, some children have learned that if they push the right buttons, they can get a parent to crack, and as a result, the parent gets held hostage. Some parents even avoid the homework situation entirely for fear of another blowout between them and their kids. This is when I encourage Extrinsic Motivation for children, simply because it allows the parents to use a motivator to get the child to do what they want. After all, that’s real world stuff, right?

Go ahead, tell me you’re bribing your kid, and then tell me you’re going to your job every day for free.

Ah, but it can be bigger than that, can’t it? What if the parent were to use an Intrinsic Motivator as an Extrinsic Motivator? Here’s what I mean:

I have a client who loves to skateboard. He always wants to learn new tricks, and is way more interested in learning this than his homework (duh, speeding down a halfpipe at 30-50mph and then breaking gravity? who wouldn’t want to do that?). The parent was frustrated and brought the kid to me. Turns out, the parent had the tools all along. All s/he had to do was offer time at the skate park as a motivator to do the work, and suddenly the work started to get done. The kid does his homework, and learns new tricks. Everyone’s happy.

Additionally, I worked with the kid and used skateboarding to illustrate cool science concepts, like gravity and velocity. We then talked about Geometry and Physics, and how a half pipe is really kind of a circle cut in half. Every time he goes up and comes back down (Newton’s Law in action), his speed allows him to break free from gravity, if only for a short time.

He then told me I was really smart. Little does he know…

Fact is, Extrinsic Motivation is kind of a cultural norm. Sure, it’d be nice if we could all just get along and do things for the fun of it. But there are a lot of boring jobs out there that pay well. Heck, I had to make that decision myself (Rock Star – because you know they hand out diplomas for those…or Shrink, which doesn’t pay as well as TV says we do…I’m still waiting for my awesome fountain).

Most jobs are in one of two categories: Ones you love (and pay poorly) and ones you hate (and pay well). Sometimes you get the short end of the stick on all fronts, but you get the idea. Anyone who sets out on a career does so for one of those two reasons, and hopefully you are able to find balance in there somewhere.

My point is, learning is part of growing up. Part of growing up is also figuring out what you want to do with your life. That changes as you grow, but I think its healthy for kids to understand how the world works, and also have dreams and goals to shoot for as well. Besides, even if you learn about “how the world works” doesn’t mean that it has to work for you the same way. You can always beat the odds, and do something different (like loving your job and getting paid well to do it).

Everyone is different. The way one person learns and gets through school might be completely different than another. I’m horrible at test taking, but breezed my way through college and grad school through writing papers. Some things we will learn because we have to, and some because we want to. If that means it sucks along the way, but we end up getting something for our efforts, I’m kinda OK with that.

What do you think? Can a kid have it both ways? To learn, love it and want to learn more? Gimme what you got!

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/27600105/

The story goes on to say that it is unclear as to whether or not the child was abused. It also states that the murders were pre-meditated. This stands to raise a few questions:

Was it nature or nurture? Was this child sociopathic, or did he feel trapped, with no way out other than to end these lives? If he was not a sociopath, what drove him to do what most adults would have trouble doing? Until we know the truth, I suppose we could speculate all day.

I call this a parent’s worst nightmare, because the idea of raising children is to do your best to ensure that they are safe, but also that they don’t make terrible choices they will live to regret. At least that’s my impression of what raising a healthy child should be.

I would encourage most parents who have a bleak outlook on their child’s future, to think about this case in context with your own child’s life. Remember, you’re still alive, and when compared to this case, that counts for something. It means that as long as you can develop a relationship with your child, perhaps there is hope for them to become happy, healthy and making good choices.

Jim
www.NewHopeCounselingOnline.com