As Bob Dylan used to say, “and the times they are a changin’!” The climate is changing (no matter what your perspective is on who’s fault it is), the economy is changing (or is stagnantly bad, depending on your perspective), and in many respects, we seem to need to constantly be in tune with how times change.

Let’s face it, if you want to get a job now, you have to work substantially harder now than you used to in order to get it. Raising children is different than it used to be and seems to get more difficult. Technology seems to change rapidly, and despite our economic state we seem to continue to be obsessed with what’s next with regard to technology.

You know what else has changed? The desire for therapists to stay in the Mental Health profession.

A lot of therapists are ditching their previous career in exchange for the lucrative profession of “Coaching”. And why wouldn’t they?! After all, being a coach means you join the likes of Tony Robbins, Larry Winget and other “success coaches”. You can charge what you want, say what you want, work with whoever you want. Your previous counseling niche can be your “coaching specialty” and you can work with people who are “less crazy.”

By the way, every time I use quotes, just picture me doing finger quotes. Its much funnier that way.

Who wouldn’t want this job? Especially as therapists, working with people who are considerably healthier than most counseling clientelle seems really sexy. Not having to worry about insurance companies, and jet-setting across the country and around the globe to speak with hundreds of people seems like a really great idea.

There’s just one problem with that.

Anyone can be a coach. Anyone.

Hell, I’m a coach. My name’s coach Jim, and welcome to my coaching website! You don’t need to be certified and if you have good life experience, you can pretty much work with people. Whereas therapists have to go through 7 years of school, 3 years of additional work before you’re licensed, and then continued maintenance of that licensure in order to keep it in check.

I’m not knocking the coaching profession at all, as I think there is real value in the coaching process. My big issue is with therapists converting to coaches because its “quicker, easier and more seductive.”

So what’s the big deal? How does this affect you? Well it certainly doesn’t help if you are looking to get treated for Anxiety or Adjustment Disorder, ADHD or Depression.  But those are those really bad mental illnesses aren’t they?

So what’s the point? The point is that I got into the counseling gig because I wanted to help people. If I got into the coaching profession, I’d still be interested in helping people, and would probably use much of the same, if not exactly the same methods I use when I work with people. How is that possible? Because instead of doing the “And how do you feel about that?” gig, or the “tell me about your mother” gig, I do the, “how the heck can I get you feeling better and living better as soon as possible” sort of gig, and I do that now, with my counseling clients.

In case you didn’t know, this is a coaching approach, and not a counseling approach. 

This isn’t just about me. This is about you. Would you feel more comfortable going to a therapist/counselor? Or is it more hip and cool to go to a “success coach” or a “stress management coach”?  I think its important to understand this, because if the times truly are changing, and people are feeling less comfortable admitting that they need a “counseling”, then perhaps a change of a different kind is in order.

What do you think? I’m going to put in a poll for this too, because I think its important to have a conversation about stigmas, the process of therapy vs. coaching, and what that means to you. Talk to me people.

So a guy who makes all kinds of great movies has apparently been arrested for a sex offense he committed 32 years ago. What’s worse is that Hollywood rallying behind this guy, as if his art somehow absolves him of all blame. They (and by they I mean Woody Allen, Martin Scorsese, David Lynch) apparently feel like he’s “suffered enough” feel as though he shouldn’t be prosecuted for this anymore, simply because too much time has passed, and it just doesn’t matter anymore.

So basically what these people are saying, is that if you orally, anally and vaginally date rape a 13-year old, just hang out for a few decades, and, as long as you’re famous, you won’t have to take the rap for the crime.

Does anyone else find this to be horribly disturbing? As if the trauma experienced by his victim (who by the way, just wants to move on with her life…quite frankly I don’t blame her), just doesn’t matter anymore.

So my big beef is this: What is with our culture giving a pass to famous people, simply because they’re famous?

For example, if I were this guy, I would have been arrested 31 years ago or less. Why? Because I’m just some nobody somewhere, with no money or film history to speak of. I would be treated like every other nobody out there, because that’s the way it works for poor nobodys with no money or fame.

And this goes back to the word “Should.” Wealthy, famous and privilaged people should not be allowed to get away with crimes that would otherwise ruin anyone else’s life. Its the principle of the thing, and quite frankly I’m a little disturbed by the cavalier attitude some have about what this guy has done.

Donald Trump is another fine example of this. How many times has this guy raised an empire, then run it into the ground and filed for bankruptcy. Shortly thereafter, this guy gets another TV show, or someone else is ready to throw money at him, simply because he’s “The Donald.”

Must be nice, and I suppose I could go on a rant about the haves and the have nots, and really make this about class envy.

But I’m not going to do that. After all, there are plenty of people who are willing to do that, and after all, you people are smart enough to figure out that you’re just as outraged about this concept as I am. I’m not going to say anything about this issue that you don’t already know, or haven’t heard somewhere else by someone else.

I will say this: the people who are involved in either the actual crime itself, or are supporters of the criminal, are people who are big directors. BIG directors. These men crank out movies that make millions, and many of which are blockbusters, or at least in Woody Allen’s case, have a huge fan following.

If these men are the ones who are making major motion pictures, what does this say about their integrity?

See, integrity doesn’t sound like its a lot, but its actually a huge part of our core values. Someone’s integrity determines how much you trust that person. By the same token, your integrity, and how much you portray that integrity can determine how much people trust you.

Guys like Polanski can hide behind their achievements and public triumphs, and use their agents and PR people to crush any bad press about them. But you and I, see, all we have is our integrity to go on. No one is going to hide the public from our flaws or mistakes.

I guess my point is, guys like Polanski will always have great achievments to dwarf this failure. If he died, no one would mention his crime..they would talk about what great films he produced and how much of an artist he was (if you don’t believe me, I present Exhibit A: Michael Jackson). You and I, we don’t get that kind of break. That’s OK; that’s just the way the world works, and we have to get over it. Its one of those things you can’t change.

We can, however, make choices every day that speak to our integrity, and the caliber of individuals we can be. We can make choices to be better than who we are right now, and make our own little world a little better as a result. We can make a difference in the lives of those around us with our Actions and Words, as long as those people are open to our influence.

What I’m saying is, don’t get mad at this guy for being a pervert, or at Hollywood for supporting him. Instead, use it as a reminder that you decide every day who you are and who you want to be. They will be judged by their achievements in entertainment. We will be judged by our integrity.

 Frankly, I’ll take integrity any day of the week and twice on Sunday.

One of the more common themes I’ve been dealing with in session with my couples is the concept of love, and how some people are “losing the loving feeling.” And I’ve come here to say one thing:

Love has nothing to do with feelings.

Yeah, I know, I know. This flies right in the face of all the great romantic comedies you’ve watched. It goes against everything you’ve been told by your favorite TV shows and romance novels you’ve read. Hell, it even goes against good ol’ Tony Robbins methodology doesn’t it (hence why he got divorced, because he couldn’t “be happy” in it). After all, aren’t you supposed to feel love and happiness all the time with the person you love?

No, you’re not.

Let me break it down to you this way. Think about all the reasons you got into a relationship. Think about all the feelings you felt and what that meant to you.

Did any of that stuff have anything to do with the other person?

Think about this for a second. The great feelings you feel are feelings YOU feel. This has to do with you. You get involved with someone because of how they make YOU feel and how they compliment YOUR life. The fact that all this works for the other person is really great too, isn’t it.

But in essence, it has to do with you and how you feel.

This, is in essence a form of relationship narcissism. The relationship isn’t something that you commit to for better or worse, its something that is an accessory to your life. Its there to make you feel happy or loved. If things feel bad, or there’s a problem that people aren’t willing to work on, then its time to move on, isn’t it? After all, if you’ve lost the loving feeling, then there must clearly be something wrong with the relationship.

Or maybe, just maybe, you’ve come back down to Earth and realized that you have to live in reality.

And reality is no fun. Nowhere near as fun as the endorphin filled, infatuation-fest that you went on when you first got involved with that person.

OK, I’m ranting. I know I’m ranting. But I do have a point in all this.

Sometimes relationships are not going to be fun. Sometimes they’re going to be hard, and sometimes they’re downright ugly. If you don’t make a choice to love someone despite how they make you feel, then what is going to keep you together?

That’s my point. You wanna know why the divorce rate is at 50% and climbing? You want to know why kids are still affected by divorce, even though its considered “normal” these days?

Its because no matter how normal it is, it still affects them…and negatively.

Its because people are weak (abuse, abandonment and adultery aside; leaving in these circumstances does not make you weak), and they don’t want to work out their crap. Its much easier to go find some other person and feel all those great feelings all over again. Its much easier to ignore the problem and keep making the same mistakes you always make in relationships.

Don’t get me wrong. It takes two people to make a relationship work. Each person has to decide that they’re going to make it work no matter what. I’ve seen people make that choice, and as a result, the relationship improves and gets stronger than ever before. I’ve also seen people bail because they’re weak and they don’t want to work through the issues.

Those people are likely still chasing that loving feeling.

Maybe I’m being a little harsh, but you know what? That doesn’t change the fact that its true. If you don’t like how that makes you feel, that’s fine, its your life. Go ahead and ignore the problem like you have before.

Or fix it. Either way, life is too short and too long to pretend that love is only a feeling. If that’s what you believe, good luck chasing the feeling. You’ll be chasing it a long time.

My recommendation: Think long and hard about your life and your children’s lives 5-10 years down the road from now. Do you honestly think you will be happy? Do think they will be in the long run?

If you think it can work, at least try. You can always leave if you wuss out.

OK, I’ll stop now and let you talk.

If you can’t control your crap, then you shouldn’t be in a relationship. In my opinion, there’s no excuse for cheating.  Plain and simple.  This isn’t the first time I’ve said this. My previous post: Life is Short, Have an Affair?, I go off on a tangent about a site that allows you to do this easier.

I won’t even waste the muscle usage in my fingers to type the name of the website.

Anyway, every now and then I work with a couple that decides to work through the cheating. Now I’ll admit, its not easy work, and usually involves a decent amount of time to help them get through it. However, the dedicated couple can get through the breakdown of trust that occurs when one of them cheats.

What I see more often than not, is that the “cheatee” (the person that was cheated on) is looking for a reason why from the “cheater (do I have to explain this?)”

Problem is, as I explained earlier, there’s no excuse for cheating. However, there is a difference between Explaining and Excusing.

Explaining a problem makes reason. Excusing a problem gives reason.

See the difference? Explaining a problem helps us understand the process by which something like this happened. Excusing involves the “cheater” to be on the defensive, and causes the “cheatee” to be on the offensive.

It allows the cheatee ammunition.

And they should have it after all. The cheater has a big target on his/her back for being so stupid to begin with. However, the reason why I bring this up, is because finding an excuse is NOT going to help things.

If you want to know “why” to work through and improve the relationship, that’s one thing. If you’re just looking for more ammunition, why don’t you use what you have already? Its not like they didn’t give you a stockpile when you found the emails, text messages, pictures, reservations or any other incriminating evidence.

Same goes for the cheater. Seriously, do you honestly think excuses are going to help the situation? Doing some strong soul searching and understanding the reasons for your behavior, and discussing it in as non-accusing or assuming a way as possible is probably the best way to go (if you’re looking to fix the relationship that is).

What’s the point of this post?

The point is that if you are going to couples counseling for a cheating incident, and you want to make it work:

Cheatee

1.  Seek the explaination so you can move forward with your partner. If you want someone to take your side while you verbally beat the heck out of them, find a friend.

2. Use your therapist to help the two of you understand what happened so you can fix the problem. Are there angry feelings? Sure there are. But yelling at each other in session isn’t going to change the situation.

3. Go to individual therapy to manage these feelings. This way you can process the broken trust, develop coping skills for the anger and sadness, and then come to the couples session more focused.

Cheater

1. Go to individual counseling and figure out why you did what you did. Its time to learn more about you and what happened here. It also means you have to learn about boundaries you need to set with yourself and others.

2. Once you figure that out, give an Explaination, not an Excuse. No sense defending what you did. For whatever reason, it was wrong. Resolve that, and explain it to yourself and to your partner.

3. Apologize, and keep doing it. Its not going to resolve all at once. It will take time, and you’re going to have to eat a heaping helping of humble pie.

Please understand, this is not to patronize or minimize cheating. Remember the beginning of the post: There’s no excuse for cheating. But I encourage the seeking of knowledge over the seeking of ammunition any day of the week and twice on Sunday.

Its not going to be easy. It will be the hardest work you will probably be the hardest work you ever do. But if you have something worth saving, and are willing to save it, your relationship will be able to withstand anything.

How do I know? I’ve seen it.

Am I naive? Tell me what you think.

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Are you addicted to the internet? There’s a test you can take online to determine whether or not you are. As far as statistics go, I said you could Google Internet Addiction Statistics and find them. Here’s what I found: 

 (From Websense) “The survey, which was conducted by Harris Interactive across a swath of 305 employees, determined that the average worker spends more than one entire workday each week surfing Web sites that are not work-related.”

(From Stamford University) ”The researchers found that 68.9 percent were regular Internet users, which is consistent with previous studies, and that:

• 13.7 percent (more than one out of eight respondents) found it hard to stay away from the Internet for several days at a time
• 12.4 percent stayed online longer than intended very often or often
• 12.3 percent had seen a need to cut back on Internet use at some point
• 8.7 percent attempted to conceal non-essential Internet use from family, friends and employers
• 8.2 percent used the Internet as a way to escape problems or relieve negative mood
• 5.9 percent felt their relationships suffered as a result of excessive Internet use

Among those polled, 67 percent confessed to visiting Web sites for personal reasons. Compulsive workplace shoppers claimed 24 percent of those polled. News junkies came in second at 23 percent, pornography hounds at 18 percent, gambling at 8 percent, and auctions at 6 percent.”

So it seems as though Internet Addiction is a big problem. How do we fix it? More on that later on this week. In the meantime, check out my interview and let me know what you think!

Now on the one hand, I ask this question: What’s new here? People have been using social networking sites to have affairs since they’ve been in existence, so how is this any different, other than its bold statements and “Affair Guarantee.” If Match.com and eHarmony.com can make money getting people together, why can’t this site make money breaking relationships apart?

On the other hand, just because people have been having affairs, doesn’t mean you should encourage or help them along in doing so. Their slogan “Life is short. Have an affair.” is an imperative statement (meaning giving you an order, like “Listen!”). Its one thing if a site is up, and its there for anyone to access and connect with people at their discretion. For example, you can’t blame Facebook or Myspace for being the cause of people having affairs, because it is the person making the decision to do so. This site, on the other hand, encourages an affair, and guarantees you one for the low, low cost of $249.

So this raises another question: If you tell someone to have an affair, and they do, is it your fault that they have an affair, or are human beings responsible for their own actions? Its like asking the question: Do guns kill people, or do people kill people?

The bottom line here is morals and values. What are your core beliefs about love? About relationships? About marriage? About sex? Do you believe your relationship will work, or is it bound to fail like all the others?

I am a firm believer that life is what you make it to be, including relationships and yes, sex. If you’re truly unhappy with your relationship, then start talking to your significant other about it. If you want to slap that person in the face for your own selfish reasons, be my guest, but you probably won’t learn from your relationship experience, and it may be that you’ll end up getting in and out of relationships for the rest of your life. Your call.

www.NewHopeCounselingOnline.com