So after having a child and moving my practice to a different location, I decided that it was necessary to re-evaluate the WATER Method. After all, its important to do a little introspection every now and then. After some thought I realized that something wasn’t quite right.

If you’re not familiar with the WATER Method, go ahead and check out my explanation of it on my main page. Basically WATER stands for Words, Actions, Thoughts, Emotions and Results – the Five things you can change about yourself and the world around you. But then it dawned on me that a fundamental idea was missing in all this.

The idea was the Rules, or core values, that we have that shape many of the Words, Actions, Thoughts and Emotions we have about issues in our lives. Ever have a negative thought or idea about yourself, or call yourself names, like “stupid” or “fat”? Sometimes these are based in negative rules we have about ourselves and the world around us, and sometimes those Rules have to change.

Granted, I’m usually not one to go around suggesting that we change many of our Core Values or Rules. Most of the time those Rules are a good thing, but every now and then they’re not. In future posts, I’m going to go into this concept a bit more, so we can get a sense of what we can expect from changing the Rules we have set up that may be hurting us.

Image from Redbookmag.com

In a day and age where everyone is telling the world about whatever is on their mind via Twitter, Facebook and other social networking devices, it seems that it is only fitting that we go one step further down the social networking spiral. That’s right! Anonymous posting of events in your life. See, its one thing to go and let everyone you know what’s going on, or even 1,800 total strangers (like I do from time to time…what is wrong with me? :) ), but its something entirely different when you can share an event with a bunch of people, and make it completely anonymous.

Enter FMyLife.com and GiveMeHope.com.  Two distinct sites with two distinct purposes. FMyLife, in case you couldn’t tell by the title, is a site where you share a terrible event: something ironic, funny, or just out and out painful, and at the end, put the letters: FML. In essence, the idea is that because something bad happened to you, well, then we should just *F* my life. Now granted, I understand the nuance of sarcasm, and recognize that this sort of thing can be helpful and cathartic. However, is saying F My Life really the way to go here?

And if it is, what does that say about our perceptions of life, and its value? This has to do with Words, what you say to yourself and others. The quesion here is, are your Words affecting how you perceive yourself and your life?

The other side of this coin is GiveMeHope.com. This site is all about things that happen to people, good but also some bad, that give people hope to go forward with their lives.  Same concept, but different spin. There is certainly a stronger level of optimism in the posts, and people seem to want to inspire others to hope as well.

So what’s my point here? Great, Jim. Two websites, one thinks life sucks, the other is about hope. Big deal.

Well, it is a big deal if you consider that our Words have been shown to affect our attitude about ourselves, our lives and those around us. Not only that, but it can also affect your overal physical health. Don’t believe me? Go take a look at what the Mayo Clinic has to say about the power of our words over our lives.  Here’s what popped out at me:

“Researchers continue to explore the effects of positive thinking and optimism on health. Health benefits that positive thinking may provide include:

• Increased life span
• Lower rates of depression
• Lower levels of distress
• Greater resistance to the common cold
• Better psychological and physical well-being
• Reduced risk of death from cardiovascular disease
• Better coping skills during hardships and times of stress “

So my point is, think about how your negative self talk and thinking affects you. I know it got the better of me this week (what, with my celebrity envy and all), and it really affected how I saw myself and my world. Once I snapped out of it, things seemed to go a lot better (I usually don’t let things get to me for more than a couple hours, give or take).

Moreover, think about what thinking positive can do for you. I’m not talking about the corny Stuart Smalley stuff. I’m talking about just straight up honesty about how good things are in your life. For me, the key to contentment in life is humility and gratitude. If you can’t be grateful for what you have, then you’re going to be ungrateful for what you don’t.

So be careful with all this FML stuff. Consider that perhaps your life and how you see it has much to do with your attitude, and if you let the negative stuff get  the best of you, it can have greater consequences than you think.

Kate Le Page also has a good article on this at Suite101.

On a housekeeping note, I have got to fix my email notifications, because it seems my WordPress doesn’t like telling me when I get comments. Its either that or my new Motorola Blur. Not sure which one is in the wrong here, but I’ll figure it out.

I work with a lot of people from all different walks of life. I see people who are successful, some who are not, and some who are just making ends meet.  One thing that I find in common no matter where my clients come from is this:

Many men suck at Valentine’s Day.

Don’t get me wrong. I’m right in there with the rest of you guys, I’ll admit it. But I have to ask myself this one question: How can you possibly blow it on Valentine’s Day? This is the one day each year (aside from your anniversary if you’re married) that you can really make some headway. This is the one day out of the year that you can go out there, put some thought into something and gain some free brownie points.

Now granted, I think Valentine’s Day is a bit skewed. After all, no one puts pressure on the ladies to perform (actually, that’s not true, with all the lingerie sales, etc.), but the guys really have the responsibility to go out and do something special; something nice to show your significant other that you care.

But what do women get a lot of times? Cheap chocolates from CVS or Walgreens. Flowers bought on the side of the road because you can’t call a decent florist at that short an amount of time and get the flowers delivered. Did you go out and buy the $30 special at Kay Jewelers this season because it was cheap and no more than an afterthought?

Please don’t misunderstand me here guys. I’m coming at you like this to prove a point. If these are the gifts you’re buying for your woman, than its time to get a value makeover. Bear in mind too, I’m not asking you to spend more money, merely do something incredibly thoughtful, or at least fake it really well. You can do this on a budget and still make her day. Curious? Keep reading.

OK, so what am I getting at here? The idea is that if you’re in bad with your woman (and those of you reading this know who you are) then taking a couple hours to plan and execute a thoughtful Valentine’s Day gift can really help you in the long run. Here are some of my suggestions:

1. Don’t just get her a card. Write something meaningful from your heart. Yeah, yeah, I know the only appropriate emotion to feel is anger (cause we’re men after all), but really think about how wonderful life is now that you are with your lady. Really dig in there and share from your heart.

2. Don’t just get her flowers. Or jewelry, or candy. Know what her favorites (i.e color, flower, or flavor) are and make the order in advance. Don’t just get the show special, show her that you understand her as a person, and give her something that shows it.

3.  Acts of service count too. Make her her favorite meal. Get a team together and clean the apartment and surprise her. Get a babysitter so she can have some time off. Watch the kids while she gets a manicure. These things go a long way. Remember the Pine Sol commercial where the ripped guy is mopping the floor? Chicks dig that. Just ask your lady.

4. Be creative. If you have any real talent like music, art or cooking, then show her that you really took some time and thoughtfulness in making her something that you know she will love. Remember, relating is what relationships are really all about. Hence the term, Relationship.

In other words, don’t blow it. Don’t take the easy way out with Valentine’s Day. You very rarely get an opportunity to hit an easy homerun with your significant other. Don’t blow it because you’re lazy, and don’t blow it because you’re cheap. You can be thoughtful and a freaking rock star all at the same time. It just involves some effort, time and understanding.

Again, don’t get me wrong. I’m not one for Hallmark Holidays, and this one is clearly that sort of thing. But I understand the psychology behind what Valentine’s Day means. Whether or not you agree with the marketing side of it, you have to admit that most women accept this as a man’s responsibility. So take advantage of this and rebuild some of the ground you may have lost. Do it right, and you can smooth over some of the bumps. If things are already good, then this can help take things to the next level.

What do you think? Pointless effort? Or worthwhile endeavor? Talk to me.

So one of my clients brought to my attention (and I’m able to tell you this because she gave me permission to blog about it) that she was feeling overwhelmed over the fact that she was getting married in a few months. Though this seems like a good thing on paper, I could tell by her distress that she was feeling overwhelmed by the stress and the pressure to get all the details squared away. She said she was getting pressure from all sides: mother, friends, family members, her fiancee. Everyone wanted her to manage the planning of the wedding, because after all, it was “her day.”

So we sat and discussed how we could make much of the planning of this easier, when it dawned on me: What if you broke the whole process up into pieces. After all, you don’t eat a whole pie at once, do you? You eat it a piece at a time, and even then, you eat each piece one forkfull at a time.

We laughed about the analogy, but it made sense, especially in this situation. So how could we apply it to her life? Well we had to divide the pie up into slices. So with the pie being her wedding planning, we separated the planning into 8 pieces, and named each piece. It looked something like the diagram below.

The idea behind it was she could take a piece a day, and “eat it.” Take one topic, and break it down in steps. Each step is a “bite.” I recommended actually having a piece of pie with each topic, but then I thought that probably wasn’t a good idea considering she probably wouldn’t fit into her dress. And how cool would that be, really?

Now I could have just sent her on her way, and gave myself an enormous pat on the back for being so smart. But then I realized I had to take my own advice yet again. Because there are times when I feel a bit overwhlemed (as I’ve stated here before), and when I do, having tools ready to manage them is not a bad idea.

So why didn’t I try this out on myself. So here’s what I came up with:

So for me, I have to consider taking a topic a day, breaking it down into edible bites, and then resolving each issue so that they’re not bugging me so much. Remember, there are some things you can change, and some things you can’t, so that makes a lot of difference with regard to how much you can “eat” and how much you can’t.

Sounds good, right? So here’s the thing, I’m not going to sit here and tell you about it and not give you the tools to do this yourself. So I’ve included a blank, really cheesy, done in Windows Paint style pie chart that you can use to manage your overwhelmed feelings. Give it a shot and let me know here if it works for you. Go ahead and tell me. I don’t bite. 

So now that I have my laptop back in my possession, I can finally get back to doing this regularly, as well as working on the WATER Method book. Since I last posted a number of things have happened that caught my attention, and I’ll be sharing them with you over the course of the next few posts.

For starters, I found out that my new child is going to be a bouncing baby boy. Cool, right? Everone was like, “you must be so excited!” Or they would start talking to me about how wonderful having children is going to be. You know what my response was? I was not very excited at all. In fact, my response was so lackluster, that my wife was very concerned, and wanted to make sure I was OK.

Probably not the best indicator that I was showing the proper level of enthusiasm, huh?

So we sat down and had a talk. She wanted to know what the heck was up with me, and why I was a bit detatched from the situation. Turns out I had two concerns: 1.) That child rearing is going to be a lot of work (and it is; whoever told you differently is likely your mum or dad, because they want grandkids anyway), and 2.) I was concerned about the financial strain that children inevitably put on the household (diapers alone will cost you an additional $200/month).

Now, being a therapist and having a penchant for knowing a lot about other people, it seems I missed the boat when it came to myself and my worries here. My wife, in her infinite wisdom shared with me something very solid. I won’t get into the whole conversation here, but the gist of it went something like this.

“You don’t know that its going to be difficult and hard. We have no idea whether or not our child is going to be difficult or easy. We just don’t know.”

So here I stand before you defying my own method of managing anxiety once again. However, I do so to prove a valuable point.

Just because we can’t see or even control the unknown, doesn’t mean we don’t want to.

The insanity of it all, is that we know that the unknown is out there. We know that we can’t control it. We know that even if we try our absolute best to control every aspect of it, it can still turn around and go in the opposite directon of what we really intended. So why do we try to hard to grab this concept? What drives us to get to this place where try to plan for what we can’t see?

In my humble opinion, such as it is, is that we do this because the alternative is not very appetizing. The alternative is doing nothing, and waiting for fate to figure out how its going to handle our lives. Planning for what we can’t see is like taking enough provisions for a camping trip (in case a bear shows up and eats your food), or making sure your sail boat is in tip top shape in case you weather a storm. We do this because we have the unique ability to live vicariously through others, see their mistakes, and learn from them. We do our best to ensure that life doesn’t turn out poorly, and if we can put in some failsafes to try to improve the odds in our favor, then so be it.

So what’s my point here? My point is that even though you can’t control the unknown, you can control what you do about the unknown.  The unknown might scare you to death (like this child rearing thing does for me to a greater or lesser degree), but recognizing that the unknown is something we can’t control right now, and letting the unknown go can be valuable. The unknown doesn’t go away, but the power we give it over our emotions can at least be decreased a little bit.

By the way, turns out I am excited about my baby, but I’m not expressing it appropriately. Not sure they’ve written a book on how you’re supposed to express this, but that just goes to show you that there are parts of my socially inept adolescence still hanging around in my personality. Who knew. 

So I’m sitting with my wife watching a church service from our home, because we had planned on going to church that morning, but she really wasn’t feeling good, so we stayed in (she’s pregnant, she’s allowed). So I decided to go check out my old church, as they stream their church services every Sunday. During the message, the pastor makes a very strong statement, which is the focus of my post today.

The gist of it is this:

People don’t care about the truth anymore. They only care about what makes them feel good, and what they can get out of a situation.

This statement got me thinking, because I didn’t want to believe it was true. Surely there are some people out there who care enough about the truth, and will do so at the cost of feeling good and being selfish. Then I realized that the truth is relative for a lot of people. I mean, I’m a Christian, but if you don’t believe what the  Bible says is true, then you’re not going to agree with me about my version of the truth when it comes to religion. That’s OK, its a free country, you’re more than welcome to believe what you want.

But aside from religion, how can people come to terms with what the truth is? Some would say you come to this determination through science. Surely if you can prove something with science, then you can determine what the truth is that way, right? Then you lay out the global warming/climate change question, and you have people who have data that show both sides of the argument, and both could be considered to be true based on the information presented.

Then you can think about truth in a court of law, and how we are asked in court to “tell the whole truth and nothing but the truth.” How then, is truth determined? By facts and evidence, and upon the weighing of that evidence, the judge or jury comes to a determination about what the truth is, and how the court should proceed as a result of that determination. So it would follow, then, that we can determine what truth is based on facts.

But what if we don’t care about that stuff? What if we throw truth out the window because it doesn’t fit our worldview? Do we then disregard those facts because it feels better to keep our worldview? How then do we determine facts, if our perspective is so tainted that we will take false evidence into consideration?

Then there’s the generation of children in this day and age. You’ve seen them haven’t you? The ones that really don’t care much about the truth, and are more concerned with how their friends and their experiences make them feel, and what they can get out of life from others. I shouldn’t fault them too much, but at the same time, there is a line you have to draw at selfishness, so I usually confront teenagers on this as soon as I think they can handle it.

People have said “the Truth hurts,” and I think that’s because for the most part, the truth is difficult to swallow. The truth doesn’t feel good. Its not considerate of your feelings, and it doesn’t give you anything amazing as a result. I’m not sure that people even believe that “the truth will set you free” anymore, because in many respects, its better to be a slave to your own perspective than it is to be free with the difficult truth.

OK, OK, Jim. I get it. But how does that pertain to my life right now?

Since I can only throw my professional opinion at you, I’ll give you my perspective on the truth. First, determine your sphere of  relevance. Are these facts relevant to your life, and your sphere of influence? If not, then perhaps focusing on this area of truth is not necessary for you right now. So determine what truth is relevant to your life.

Second, do your best to seek out the most pertinent truth to your life. Since everyone’s life is different, the truth that is relevant to your life will be different. Do your absolute best to seek out the most truth for your life.

Lastly, do your absolute best to live your life according to the truth. No matter how hard it may be. Even if it makes you change your worldview, live according to the truth.

If I didn’t believe that what I was sharing with you was the truth, and didn’t follow it myself, I wouldn’t be typing it here. Why? Because I do my best to live by what I believe is the truth. I may screw up, but that doesn’t mean I’m going to let my screw ups determine who I am and my continued thirst for the truth in my own life.

So my questions to you, and if you comment, please answer these questions: Does Truth Matter? and If so, how do YOU determine what is truth?

You made it! You got through another holiday season! For a lot of people this was a time of stress, parties, presents for family members, and eating a lot of food that you will eventually regret eating. You got through it, and now here you are on a Monday, sending your children back to school and heading back to work to begin a New Year, hopefully refreshed.

So now that things are back to normal, you can begin to focus on the stuff you put on the back burner to manage the holiday season. This is our Normal Insanity, the stuff we deal with on a daily basis without the holidays to use as an excuse. Its the stuff we now must face, or choose to continue to ignore. If we’re not careful, we could find ourselves in a place where continue to stuff our problems and not manage them.

So here are some ways to ease yourself back into the normalcy of post holiday season bliss.

1. Let go of the holiday season. Its over, which means the stress of it is over. If you have really good memories of that time, then give those more weight than the stress you’ve experienced. Remember, you make it through the season, it didn’t kill you, so you’ve made it through the hard part.

2. Take on a new attitude. Remember that your routine is what it was before, and unless something dramatic has changed, you will go through what you normally go through without the holiday stress. However, you can make it better than it was before the holiday season. Your attitude can make a difference.

3. Your time off was a larger example of a smaller concept. Remember that you can take time off in your average day, so long as you can schedule it well. Don’t feel like scheduling your time so you can have a little break here and there? Hey, its your life, but remember that those brief moments here and there are what brings you through the stressful periods. Take care of yourself so you can manage the negative, and relaxed to enjoy the positive.

Let’s not forget that with a new year people often have concerns and worries about the future. I have to say for one that I am scared to death about being a new parent, and what the future is going to hold for me as I move forward. I will have to say though, that using the WATER Method does make it a bit easier. Sure, I can plan for the future, but until I experience it, I’m not going to know exactly what to do until trial and error shows up. I’m going to screw up somewhere, and as long as its not a really nasty screw up, I’m kind of looking forward to it.

I also have to say that finishing my book seems a bit daunting, but I’m going to break it up in small increments to make sure that I accomplish it sooner rather than later. I figure if I can crank out a page every two days, I’ll be on the right track, and should have it done sooner than I think.

So don’t let the new year and the adjustment back to normalcy get you down. You will move on and forward, provided you have a plan in place to keep your wits about you. I know I need one. What about you?

Happy New Year! New Year’s Day is one of my favorite days of the year, because people all over the country and all over the world put the past behind them, and focus on moving forward toward positive change. We like to use this change in date to signify this decision, and it seems like a good place to start.

But let’s face it. How many times have you made a New Year’s Resolution, and then dropped the ball and let it slide. You’re still smoking. You’re still trying to lose that Holiday weight. You’re still trying to set better boundaries at work so you can spend more time with your family. Change can be scary, and sometimes its easier just to do what you’ve been doing all along, rather than try to come up with a plan to change AND actually use the plan to make the change.

Well, in a rare moment, I am going to go all crazy self-promotion today, in order to illustrate a point. As of today, I’m offering the New Year’s Resolution Revolution! This is my way of trying to help you set goals and achieve them through the power of the internet.

Now why the heck am I doing this? Because I’m sick and tired of seeing people set goals for their lives and not achieve them because they can’t stay on top of the resolution. So I’m setting something up to try to help you stay on task and not let those goals go to hell where all good intentions go.

In addition, I’m going to set my own New Year’s Resolution right now, so you know that I actually buy into my own baloney. Here are my resolutions as follows:

1. Every week I am going to finish at least 5 pages of my book, The WATER Method.

2. I am going to help at least one person achieve their New Year’s Resolution.

3. I am going to stick to my blogging schedule, and post every Monday and Thursday (like I did before).

So there you go. I will be updating the status of my New Year’s Resolutions weekly, so you know where I’m at, and you know that I mean what I say. If I don’t do it, call me out. I’m a big boy, I can handle it. 

Do you have a New Year’s Resolution? What is it? Do you need some help making it work? Click here to check out my New Year’s Resolution Revolution!

With Christmas behind us and the New Year upon us, we begin to think about how we can change our lives and make promises to ourselves and our loved ones about how this year will be better than the last. 

 It takes about 4 weeks to a month to break a habit, or to make lasting changes.  That is just long enough to start to get discouraged, and give up. But, what if  you made a plan? Then the goal has smaller easier goals, bite-sized, to help you work up to the final achievement? Doesn’t that sound a little easier? What if you had a helping hand to assist you on your way? Someone who can provide encouragement, and practical advice for the big obstacles and small discouragements that come along, especially when you are actively pursuing a change? It might just be helpful, and turn a pipe-dream into a reality in your life.

As a result, I am going to be offering something new and different to my readers. Starting in the New Year, I will have a subscription service available to help you with any New Year’s Resolutions that you want to make…and actually keep…this time around.

Bear in mind too, that I’ll be working on a resolution of my own: Completing The WATER Method Book. I’m actually going to apply my own methods to my own New Years Resolution, and post the results here.

Thing is, getting the job done is not going to get done overnight. Its going to take time. I think a lot of people lose sight of their goal as a result of the time it takes to make the changes. People don’t like to wait to lose the weight, or to quit smoking. The sad part about that, is that time is a necessary part of making the necessary adjustments to your life. It took you that long to get yourself into that habit or way of living. Its going to take a bit longer than a few weeks or even a few months to make the change.

The point here is, don’t give up. If you want to make change in your life, give yourself an appropriate time table to make that change. Otherwise you’ll find yourself getting frustrated and breaking another resolution.

P.S. – Or, you could work with me, and I’ll help you make the change more permanent in your life. Its one thing to keep yourself in check…its another thing to have someone help you through it. Its up to you. 

I’m going apply the WATER Method to my own life, so you have a better understanding of what I do to keep it together and still gro people every day.

Let me start by saying that last week was probably one of the hardest weeks I’ve ever had. I didn’t say worst, because as bad as it was, life is still pretty good., and I have a lot to be thankful for. However, I have obtained a newfound appreciation for parents, and all the hats they have to wear.

Be that as it may, I’ll share with you the issues that have been stressing me out, and what I did to manage them.

Let’s start with my list of stressors.

- Cleaning my house
- Working on my own business
- Taking care of my wife, as she’s pregnant
- Making sure I’m good to my animals
- Managing the Finances
- Dealing with my own personal issues
- Keeping cool to manage other people’s issues

OK, so now that I have my list, the next step is to separate them into what I can and can’t change.

What I CAN’T change:
- My wife’s feelings
- Whether or not clients show up for sessions
- Other people’s issues (until we work on them together)
- My wife’s pregnancy (we ARE keeping the baby)

What I CAN change:
- Cleaning my house (Actions, Results)
- My Feelings & Issues (Words, Thoughts & Emotions)
- How I conduct my business (Actions, Results, & Thoughts)
- Taking care of my animals (Actions)
- Taking care of my wife, and how much I do it (Actions & Results)
- Keeping the finances in line (Thoughts & Actions)

See that? So what I do form there is take the things I can’t change and resolve that I can’t change them. No matter how hard I try, stressing out about them isn’t going to change those things from being beyond my control.

So by accepting that I can’t change them, and resolving this, I let go of them, and choose not to think about them (remember processing vs. stuffing?). Then I take action on the things that I can change, and utilize my energy toward making those improvements.

As a result, I’m more on top of my finances, my housework, and my wife and I have come up with ways to keep working together despite her staying home to sit on the egg.

Does this help explain the WATER Method better? Talk to me people.