One of the more common themes I’ve been dealing with in session with my couples is the concept of love, and how some people are “losing the loving feeling.” And I’ve come here to say one thing:
Love has nothing to do with feelings.
Yeah, I know, I know. This flies right in the face of all the great romantic comedies you’ve watched. It goes against everything you’ve been told by your favorite TV shows and romance novels you’ve read. Hell, it even goes against good ol’ Tony Robbins methodology doesn’t it (hence why he got divorced, because he couldn’t “be happy” in it). After all, aren’t you supposed to feel love and happiness all the time with the person you love?
No, you’re not.
Let me break it down to you this way. Think about all the reasons you got into a relationship. Think about all the feelings you felt and what that meant to you.
Did any of that stuff have anything to do with the other person?
Think about this for a second. The great feelings you feel are feelings YOU feel. This has to do with you. You get involved with someone because of how they make YOU feel and how they compliment YOUR life. The fact that all this works for the other person is really great too, isn’t it.
But in essence, it has to do with you and how you feel.
This, is in essence a form of relationship narcissism. The relationship isn’t something that you commit to for better or worse, its something that is an accessory to your life. Its there to make you feel happy or loved. If things feel bad, or there’s a problem that people aren’t willing to work on, then its time to move on, isn’t it? After all, if you’ve lost the loving feeling, then there must clearly be something wrong with the relationship.
Or maybe, just maybe, you’ve come back down to Earth and realized that you have to live in reality.
And reality is no fun. Nowhere near as fun as the endorphin filled, infatuation-fest that you went on when you first got involved with that person.
OK, I’m ranting. I know I’m ranting. But I do have a point in all this.
Sometimes relationships are not going to be fun. Sometimes they’re going to be hard, and sometimes they’re downright ugly. If you don’t make a choice to love someone despite how they make you feel, then what is going to keep you together?
That’s my point. You wanna know why the divorce rate is at 50% and climbing? You want to know why kids are still affected by divorce, even though its considered “normal” these days?
Its because no matter how normal it is, it still affects them…and negatively.
Its because people are weak (abuse, abandonment and adultery aside; leaving in these circumstances does not make you weak), and they don’t want to work out their crap. Its much easier to go find some other person and feel all those great feelings all over again. Its much easier to ignore the problem and keep making the same mistakes you always make in relationships.
Don’t get me wrong. It takes two people to make a relationship work. Each person has to decide that they’re going to make it work no matter what. I’ve seen people make that choice, and as a result, the relationship improves and gets stronger than ever before. I’ve also seen people bail because they’re weak and they don’t want to work through the issues.
Those people are likely still chasing that loving feeling.
Maybe I’m being a little harsh, but you know what? That doesn’t change the fact that its true. If you don’t like how that makes you feel, that’s fine, its your life. Go ahead and ignore the problem like you have before.
Or fix it. Either way, life is too short and too long to pretend that love is only a feeling. If that’s what you believe, good luck chasing the feeling. You’ll be chasing it a long time.
My recommendation: Think long and hard about your life and your children’s lives 5-10 years down the road from now. Do you honestly think you will be happy? Do think they will be in the long run?
If you think it can work, at least try. You can always leave if you wuss out.
OK, I’ll stop now and let you talk.
The “infatuation fest.” That captures it. And I like to see an emphasis on the rightness of working on the relationship even when we don’t feel so good inside about it.
Sandy,
It really does astound me how selfish people can be. Maybe that’s not a PC thing to say, but at this point, I really don’t care. I think the infatuation blinds us from the responsibility that comes with relationships and creating human beings.
Sigh, and ouch. Are you supposed to bag all ‘feeling’ and continue to take the ‘high road’ when it strips you of your personhood and affects your faith? I ask this 17 years into ‘making the decision’ to love someone…
Melanie,
“Each person has to decide that they’re going to make it work no matter what.” That means that both you and your husband have to be willing to work on the stuff that’s driving you nuts. Additionally, you have to be willing to believe that the person can or will change, and vice versa. If you have two rigid people that refuse to listen or change, then you have two people that will either leave or stick it out miserably.
It doesn’t have to be miserable, but as a client of mine once said, “he who is flexible shall not be bent out of shape.”
Feelings are important too and those should be communicated with a plan for change. To quote Pastor Will Bard, “If you aim for nothing, you’ll hit it every time.”
OK, I’ll stop with the quotes now. Thanks for weighing in, as I’m sure there are others who feel this way.
Dear Jim,
Excact ! Love is not an emotion but then tell also the WHOLE truth: Love is a state of being.
People are not selfish or avoiding responsability when they want to divorce. Of course it can be but why would you directly think of something negative and shut down the other possibilities? It’s not the quantity of years of a marriage that will tell us if it was a succes. If you want to divorce and change and grow and this is decided with great awareness and respect then this act could be more ‘loving’ then staying together (even for the children). I did’t read this nuance on your web-site. Greetings
Elisabeth,
Greetings to you as well! Perhaps there are some people who don’t get divorced for selfish reasons (those involving abuse of themselves or their children are the obvious cases), but in my experience, that’s often not the case. More likely people don’t want to work out the problems, or don’t believe the other person will work out their problems, and decide that the effort is not worth the possible goal.
Is it possible for people to change and grow, and for that to be the reason why people get a divorce? Sure it is, but part of the problem I have is that some people don’t take marriage very seriously to begin with.
I’ll give you an example: Let’s say I get involved with someone for whatever reason. We stay together, and I think she’s worthy of marriage. So we send out invitations to all our friends and family. We ask people to be in our wedding party, which means they have to buy the tux or dress. They make travel arrangements, spend money, buy gifts and do all the stuff people do when someone they know gets married. We want them to support our decision, and be happy for us that day. We pledge our love and say our vows, and make a promise to everyone there that this is a good idea, and their expense was worth it.
Then after all that’s over, we get into reality, and suddenly its not what we thought. So now, all those friends supporting us doesn’t matter anymore. The expense, the gifts, the support…doesn’t really matter, because now we made a bad choice and we have to get out because it doesn’t feel good anymore, or it wasn’t what we envisioned it would be.
Then we find a new relationship, start all over, and invite the same people, hoping that they won’t call us out on being a fraud.
My point is that marriage is something that should be taken seriously, even before the vows are taken (this would probably affect the divorce rate dramatically). My main issue is that people are far too quick to get a divorce when things don’t “feel good” anymore. Even after long consideration and reflection, many people will find reasons to support their feelings for leaving, and not vice versa.
Love is a state of being, but that state can be influenced by our Thoughts and Emotions, and that makes a big difference.
Sorry about the long response, but I wanted to make sure I gave it some thought and consideration. Thank you for the very thoughtful comment, and giving your point of view. Best Regards!